I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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