Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
