OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
