I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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