I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
