Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
