Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
