Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
