P.S. I can't hear my feet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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