would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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