Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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