There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
