does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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