I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The Olympian is in my bed
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