I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
