she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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