she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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