Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
