The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
