I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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