Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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