Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
