Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
