I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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