I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
