dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
