I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud