1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
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Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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