So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
