they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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