I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
