Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
