there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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