i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
