DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
