Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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