that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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