She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
