Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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