don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
