Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
