I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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