normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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