I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
