My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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