Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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