I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
