I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
