Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize