I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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