What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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