Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
