jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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