Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
