hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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