He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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