i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
