At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
